The Only Thang We Gotsta Fear....

I've lived too much of my life in fear and it sucks. I dated this girl for awhile. One of the prettiest girls I've ever dated in my life. Pret-tay. Fine! The kinda fine where I was like, "What is your fine ass doing with me?" The answer? Not much. She broke up with me soon after. In a written letter. Don't feel bad for me. I got her back by rapping Public Enemy lyrics through my tears on the walk home:

"I got a letter from the government the otha' day!"
"It said this fine ass girl don't wanna see me no more."
"Sob sob sobbing."

There's nothing quite like rejection especially when you're reading it to yourself. Your own voice telling you that you don't want to be with you. I've since learned to read rejection letters with Della Reese's voice in my head. Della Reese telling you that it ain't gonna work out is much easier to accept than your own. Relationships are not my forte. I'm so bad at getting in relationships with girls that if I make eye contact with one I just consider that dating. If she blinks that means it's over. She has a lazy eye? She's cheating.

What are some of the things that've caused the most fear in my life?

Getting on stage to tell jokes for the first time. I'd compare it to coming over to talk to the cool kids table in the lunch room but when you say hi projectile vomit comes out your mouth. Everybody stares at you and you think to yourself, "Shit I gotta try that again but better."

Hoping nobody would catch me trapped in a bathroom stall at church summer camp because I crapped my pants. I crapped my pants, people. At a church fucking summer camp. You know in Full Metal Jacket when Matthew Modine tells Adam Baldwin in his best John Wayne impression, "Well you can just eat the peanuts out of my shit." I could've provided more than enough said shit peanut.

Report card pick up with my mom during 8th grade. Before Mike Tyson used "Welcome To The Terrordome" when he entered the ring to whup on that ass, Haugan Elementary would play it over the loudspeakers when they saw my mom entering the building.

Watching Garret Morris' death scene in The Stuff:



Someday a change will come. If I ever meet Fear I plan on giving it a good "Fuck you!" to the face. On behalf of all of us. It's gonna be a good Jack Lemmon Glengarry Glen Ross Kevin Spacey fucktastic scolding. Because someone needs to. You, I, we can't keep living our lives like this. We're supposed to be winners in this game. We win. Fear loses. Fuck you pay me. And you know what? I'm afraid that's all I have to say on this.

Shit someone call Morris Day and The Time so I can find out when my next gig is.



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